1. |
Viking Raid
03:01
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My body is a temple that's been ransacked
It's dignity lies weeping on the street
I was so off my head last night
I think I just have might
Said things on the internet
That I cannot delete.
Now I know I should know better
Having reached the age I'm at
That to get completely bollocksed
And act like a total twat.
My body is a village that's been pillaged
It's picket fence lies trampled on the ground
It won't win any prizes
From villages in bloom
Cos it looks like
I've just had a thousand vikings round.
I feel the ethanol and methanol rampaging round inside
Turning to MeCHO, formic acid and formaldehyde.
Sunday morning and now my head is aching
I really feel I might have gone and died
But I'm still standing
I'm not finished
Though I'm feeling quite diminished
I'm ashamed and I am breathing
Ergo I am bonafide.
Now I know I should know better
Having reached the age I'm at
That to get completely bollocksed
And act like a total twat.
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2. |
I Love My Dog
04:39
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I love my dog
More than I love you
Cos she does what
I tell her to
And yeah you don't shit in the street
You don't sniff people's bottoms
Whenever you meet them
I still love my dog more than I love you.
She don't make any laundry
Cos she don't wear no clothes
She don't make any washing up
She's only got 2 bowls.
Her needs are not complex
She just likes walks and sticks
She thinks that I'm the best thing in the world
But she never pesters me for sex
And yeah you don't shit in the street
You don't sniff people's bottoms
Whenever you meet them
I still love my dog more than I love you.
I love my cat
More than I love you
Cos she does what
I tell her to
And yeah you don't shit in a tray in the house
You have never ever caught a mouse
Oh I think I love my cat more than I love you.
She don't make any laundry
Cos she don't wear no clothes
She don't make any washing up
She's only got 2 bowls
And yeah you don't shit in a tray in the house
You have never ever caught a mouse
Oh I think I love my cat more than I love you
Meow.
Then there's my fish
I love him so
Cos I can get drunk and repeat myself
And he will never know
He won't need an expensive funeral
I can just flush him down the toilet bowl
Oh I think I love my fish
More than I love you.
He don't make any laundry
Cos he don't wear no clothes
He don't make any washing up
He's only got one bowl.
His needs are not complex
His food comes in tiny flecks
He thinks that I'm the best thing in the world
Yet he never pesters me for sex
He won't need an expensive funeral
I can just flush him down the toilet bowl
Oh I think I love my fish
More than I love you.
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3. |
Dance Like a Twit
02:24
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There's a wonderful invention
That I've grown to know and love
It comes in all shades of ugly
And it fits just like a glove
And without it I can't charleston
Without getting 2 black eyes
I know because I've tried
Oh it's the sports bra
I can't dance without a sports bra
Do prancercise without a sports bra
Cos I can't run
Run to the bun shop
Sports bra, it's not elegant
But having breasts can be an impediment
And life's too short for standing still.
Life's too short to wash your whites
You better let them all go grey
Life's too short to shave your bits
When the people that love you
Love you anyway
Life's too short to get uptight about
Pointless bullshit.
Life's too short so dance like a twit.
You mike like to charleston or lindyhop
You might be good at ballroom
Waltz, swing-jive, tango or foxtrot
You might like to pogo or fight in the mosh pit
Life's too short
So dance like a twit.
You might like to tap-dance
Or dance like a goth
Wave your arms around in the air
And look pissed off
You might be quite good at it
Or you might be quite shit
Life's too short so dance like a twit.
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4. |
Sex
04:52
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I'm Hattie, I am 46 and I never think about sex.....
I don't think about
I won't talk about sex
I won't talk about sex it's too complex
It's not what I think of when I wake up
And drink my first cup of tea
I never ever think of all the glorious things
That I want you to do to me
I don't think about
I won't talk about sex
Cos I'm English and I'm too repressed.
I don't dream about
I don't scream about sex
i won't talk about
Don't have thoughts about sex
I don't fantasize about you
When I'm driving home at night
Thinking of all the things we're gonna do
Cos I'm way too uptight
I don't dream about
i don't scream about
I won't talk about
Don't have thoughts about
i never think about sex.
Oh you'll make me blush
If you mention thrush
And I'll have to see you later
If you want to talk about my vibrator
I never watch porn on my phone
When I should be working from home
I don't buy lubrication by the ton
Cos I don't approve of that kind of fun
I don't dream about
i don't scream about
I won't talk about
Don't have thoughts about
i never think about sex.
I won't instigate, I won't advocate sex
Won't participate or contemplate sex
I don't snigger like a pervert in the supermarket queue
When I am bored and thinking of the things
That I'm going to do to you
I won't instigate
I can't advocate
Won't participate
Or contemplate sex
It's too complex
It makes a mess
I'd have to get undressed
I'm too repressed
To ever ever think about sex.
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5. |
Self Isolation Shimmy
01:46
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Driving gigging drinking smoking
Life and soul
Dancing and joking
I just want to be in bed by 9.
Eating ice cream and bananas
All dressed up in posh pyjamas
I just want to be in bed on time.
I like hanging out with me
Reading books and drinking tea
Watching what I want on TV
In the very best company.
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
Who's the cleverest overall?
It's me.
Not scared of a dodgy virus
Self isolation's quite desirous
On my sofa somewhere before 9.
If I don't want aggravation
Or I have a cancellation
It's a cause for celebration
Staying in's my destination
Mirror mirror on the wall
Who's the fairest of them all?
Who's the smartest overall?
The one that I want to be with come nightfall?
Eating ice cream and bananas
In my M and S pyjamas
On my sofa somewhere before 9
Eating ice cream and bananas
Nursing my Corona Virus
On my ownsome
Somewhere before 9.
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6. |
Start a Fight
01:55
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Well you've got srtificial plants
Under artificial lights
And your future is expanding
By artificial heights
You're genetically distorting
All the things that give us life
i think it's time to start a fight.
Well you're frying up my mind
Projecting blip-verts on my eyes
Tarmac-ing the countryside
And filling up the skies
With your airwaves and your aeroplanes
And dodgy orange lights
I think It's time to start a fight
The carbon is increasing
And the ice-burgs overheating
And the cod are getting cancer
From the toxic waste they're eating
Turning forests into dustbowls
And running rivers dry
I think it's time to start a fight.
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7. |
Crying in the Shed
03:11
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If you want me
You can find me
Crying in the shed
If you want me
You can find me
Crying in the shed
Crying on the floor
While the tools gather dust
Crying on the floor
While the bikes turn to rust
Oh if you want me
You know where to find me
Crying in the shed.
If you want me
You can find me
Crying in your favourite cafe
Or maybe weeping on the beach
Where we used to go on holiday
Holidays make me cry
Belgium makes me cry
Bike rides make me cry
Cheese on toast makes me cry
Avocados make me cry
But most of all it's the shed.
If you listen you can hear them
A million widows weeping in sheds
Weeping over all that crap that's theirs
Now that their husbands are dead.
Do they take it to the tip?
Do they keep hold of it?
Do they list it all on ebay
And make a million quid?
No they just sit there
Crying in the shed.
So if you want me
You can find me
Crying in the shed
If you want me
You can find me
Crying because you're dead
Crying on the floor
While the tools gather dust
Crying on the floor
While the bikes turn to rust
Reduced to hysterics by a pair of your gloves
I'll be crying in the shed
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Hattie Hatstar England, UK
After 20 years of poking fun at everyone and everything on the festival and club circuit, Hattie Hatstar is a finely tuned weapon, using wit to make occasionally serious points.
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