Emergency Album for a Crisis Situation

by Hattie Hatstar

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1.
Viking Raid 03:01
My body is a temple that's been ransacked It's dignity lies weeping on the street I was so off my head last night I think I just have might Said things on the internet That I cannot delete. Now I know I should know better Having reached the age I'm at That to get completely bollocksed And act like a total twat. My body is a village that's been pillaged It's picket fence lies trampled on the ground It won't win any prizes From villages in bloom Cos it looks like I've just had a thousand vikings round. I feel the ethanol and methanol rampaging round inside Turning to MeCHO, formic acid and formaldehyde. Sunday morning and now my head is aching I really feel I might have gone and died But I'm still standing I'm not finished Though I'm feeling quite diminished I'm ashamed and I am breathing Ergo I am bonafide. Now I know I should know better Having reached the age I'm at That to get completely bollocksed And act like a total twat.
2.
I love my dog More than I love you Cos she does what I tell her to And yeah you don't shit in the street You don't sniff people's bottoms Whenever you meet them I still love my dog more than I love you. She don't make any laundry Cos she don't wear no clothes She don't make any washing up She's only got 2 bowls. Her needs are not complex She just likes walks and sticks She thinks that I'm the best thing in the world But she never pesters me for sex And yeah you don't shit in the street You don't sniff people's bottoms Whenever you meet them I still love my dog more than I love you. I love my cat More than I love you Cos she does what I tell her to And yeah you don't shit in a tray in the house You have never ever caught a mouse Oh I think I love my cat more than I love you. She don't make any laundry Cos she don't wear no clothes She don't make any washing up She's only got 2 bowls And yeah you don't shit in a tray in the house You have never ever caught a mouse Oh I think I love my cat more than I love you Meow. Then there's my fish I love him so Cos I can get drunk and repeat myself And he will never know He won't need an expensive funeral I can just flush him down the toilet bowl Oh I think I love my fish More than I love you. He don't make any laundry Cos he don't wear no clothes He don't make any washing up He's only got one bowl. His needs are not complex His food comes in tiny flecks He thinks that I'm the best thing in the world Yet he never pesters me for sex He won't need an expensive funeral I can just flush him down the toilet bowl Oh I think I love my fish More than I love you.
3.
There's a wonderful invention That I've grown to know and love It comes in all shades of ugly And it fits just like a glove And without it I can't charleston Without getting 2 black eyes I know because I've tried Oh it's the sports bra I can't dance without a sports bra Do prancercise without a sports bra Cos I can't run Run to the bun shop Sports bra, it's not elegant But having breasts can be an impediment And life's too short for standing still. Life's too short to wash your whites You better let them all go grey Life's too short to shave your bits When the people that love you Love you anyway Life's too short to get uptight about Pointless bullshit. Life's too short so dance like a twit. You mike like to charleston or lindyhop You might be good at ballroom Waltz, swing-jive, tango or foxtrot You might like to pogo or fight in the mosh pit Life's too short So dance like a twit. You might like to tap-dance Or dance like a goth Wave your arms around in the air And look pissed off You might be quite good at it Or you might be quite shit Life's too short so dance like a twit.
4.
Sex 04:52
I'm Hattie, I am 46 and I never think about sex..... I don't think about I won't talk about sex I won't talk about sex it's too complex It's not what I think of when I wake up And drink my first cup of tea I never ever think of all the glorious things That I want you to do to me I don't think about I won't talk about sex Cos I'm English and I'm too repressed. I don't dream about I don't scream about sex i won't talk about Don't have thoughts about sex I don't fantasize about you When I'm driving home at night Thinking of all the things we're gonna do Cos I'm way too uptight I don't dream about i don't scream about I won't talk about Don't have thoughts about i never think about sex. Oh you'll make me blush If you mention thrush And I'll have to see you later If you want to talk about my vibrator I never watch porn on my phone When I should be working from home I don't buy lubrication by the ton Cos I don't approve of that kind of fun I don't dream about i don't scream about I won't talk about Don't have thoughts about i never think about sex. I won't instigate, I won't advocate sex Won't participate or contemplate sex I don't snigger like a pervert in the supermarket queue When I am bored and thinking of the things That I'm going to do to you I won't instigate I can't advocate Won't participate Or contemplate sex It's too complex It makes a mess I'd have to get undressed I'm too repressed To ever ever think about sex.
5.
Driving gigging drinking smoking Life and soul Dancing and joking I just want to be in bed by 9. Eating ice cream and bananas All dressed up in posh pyjamas I just want to be in bed on time. I like hanging out with me Reading books and drinking tea Watching what I want on TV In the very best company. Mirror mirror on the wall Who's the fairest of them all? Who's the cleverest overall? It's me. Not scared of a dodgy virus Self isolation's quite desirous On my sofa somewhere before 9. If I don't want aggravation Or I have a cancellation It's a cause for celebration Staying in's my destination Mirror mirror on the wall Who's the fairest of them all? Who's the smartest overall? The one that I want to be with come nightfall? Eating ice cream and bananas In my M and S pyjamas On my sofa somewhere before 9 Eating ice cream and bananas Nursing my Corona Virus On my ownsome Somewhere before 9.
6.
Well you've got srtificial plants Under artificial lights And your future is expanding By artificial heights You're genetically distorting All the things that give us life i think it's time to start a fight. Well you're frying up my mind Projecting blip-verts on my eyes Tarmac-ing the countryside And filling up the skies With your airwaves and your aeroplanes And dodgy orange lights I think It's time to start a fight The carbon is increasing And the ice-burgs overheating And the cod are getting cancer From the toxic waste they're eating Turning forests into dustbowls And running rivers dry I think it's time to start a fight.
7.
If you want me You can find me Crying in the shed If you want me You can find me Crying in the shed Crying on the floor While the tools gather dust Crying on the floor While the bikes turn to rust Oh if you want me You know where to find me Crying in the shed. If you want me You can find me Crying in your favourite cafe Or maybe weeping on the beach Where we used to go on holiday Holidays make me cry Belgium makes me cry Bike rides make me cry Cheese on toast makes me cry Avocados make me cry But most of all it's the shed. If you listen you can hear them A million widows weeping in sheds Weeping over all that crap that's theirs Now that their husbands are dead. Do they take it to the tip? Do they keep hold of it? Do they list it all on ebay And make a million quid? No they just sit there Crying in the shed. So if you want me You can find me Crying in the shed If you want me You can find me Crying because you're dead Crying on the floor While the tools gather dust Crying on the floor While the bikes turn to rust Reduced to hysterics by a pair of your gloves I'll be crying in the shed

about

An emergency album for a crisis situation - all the songs you need for your ongoing your journey through armageddon/the new normal.

credits

released June 28, 2020

Hattie Hatstar = words, tunes, singing, accordion, ukulele and arrangements.
Jules Bushell = Double Bass, recording, mixing, mastering, patience.
Hattie Hatstar/Jules Bushell = percussion, weird extra instruments and voices
Hattie Hatstar = cover art

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Hattie Hatstar England, UK

After 20 years of poking fun at everyone and everything on the festival and club circuit, Hattie Hatstar is a finely tuned weapon, using wit to make occasionally serious points.

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