1. |
Sweat Shop
02:47
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Sweat Shop.
Now listen carefully girls and boys
If you don't put away your toys
Or if you trash your brand-new shoes
Or if you're making too much noise
Your parents might just have enough
And reach the point on which they snap
Then it's the Nike factory for you.
It's the Nike factory for you
It's the Nike factory for you.
You can work for fifteen hours a day
Making shoes for the world on a very low pay
So some retailer in the west
Can put on pounds inside his vest
I think they call that slavery
I think they call that slavery
It’s the Nike factory for you.
If you're a greedy screaming brat
And you keep hassling that cat
Or if you leave your coat behind
Or you refuse to wear that hat
Your parents might just have enough
And reach the point on which they snap
Then watch it or it's Persian rugs for you.
Watch it or it's Persian rugs for you
Watch it or it's Persian rugs for you
Ten children locked in one small room
To loose their fingers on the loom
So some fat salesman in the west
Can put on pounds inside his vest
I think they call that slavery
I think they call that slavery
Watch it or it's Persian rugs for you.
If you refuse to go to bed
Or clout your best mate round the head
If you don't share those sweeties out
Or if that hamster don't get fed
Your parents might just have enough
And reach the point on which they snap
Then watch it or it's cocoa beans for you.
Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you
Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you
A major African industry
More profitable than ivory
Where you can work all day for free
For chocolate that you'll never see
So some fat kiddie in the west
Can put on pounds inside his vest
And his parents can eat chocolate bars
Whilst driving around in fancy cars
I think they call that slavery
I think they call that slavery
Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you
Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you.
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2. |
Evil Twin
02:23
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Evil Twin
When I woke up this morning
Everything was broken
My head was hurt
All I could taste was gin.
My friends they just looked at me
And not a word was spoken
But it was not me
It was my evil twin.
My evil twin she's big and bad
And booze makes her go mad
She falls around and terrorizes boys
They don't want to be her lover
And they all run for cover
Cos she's very drunk
And makes an awful noise.
My evil twin she just arrives
She don't need to be invited
She'll break the doors if you don't let her in.
She's obnoxious when she drinks
She'll probably throw up in your sink
And then she'll swear she can't remember anything.
My evil twin she's big and bad
And booze makes her go mad
She'll nick everything that isn't bolted down
Her pockets are all bulging
And yet she's still indulging
Grab her quick and lock her in the pound.
Well my life is such a shame
Cos I always get the blame
For all the evil sins my twin commits
You think I've dropped a clanger
But it was my doppelganger
And I'm the one who ends up getting hit.
My evil twin she's large as life
She's trouble and she's strife
She's about as base as anyone could ever be
She's like a rabid dog
And I'll never get a snog
As long as all the world's convinced that she is me.
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3. |
Mankind
02:24
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Mankind
Ducks don’t need to pay any moorings
And rats don’t need to pay rent.
Bats they hold no truck with Tescos
And bunnies don’t grovel in lent.
Turtles don’t need to set their alarm clocks
Birds don’t have to use planes
Penguins they don’t bother with suntans
And we think mankind’s got the brains.
Chipmunks don’t have to visit the dentist
And cows don’t have to wear shoes
Spiders don’t have to buy expensive climbing tat
Moles don’t tune into the news
Hedgehogs don’t drive around in red sports cars
Glow-worms aren’t plugged into the mains
Tigers they don’t bother with blenders
And we think mankind’s got the brains.
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4. |
Blagging
03:41
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Blagging
I’m just a girl who can’t say no
If you’re giving it away I’ll give it a go
I can eat anything you know
And can I have a swig of brandy
Give us a go on your special brew
You look quite tasty can I have a go on you?
I’ll be the first in your dinner queue
And can I have a swig of brandy?
Can I skin up with your blim?
Is that your baccy in that tin?
Have you got a spare safety pin
And can I have a swig of brandy?
You’d better keep your eye on me
Or I’ll be in your bed and fast asleep
And then I’ll pocket all your herbal tea
And finish off your brandy.
I’ll eat the contents of your fridge
I’ll tat the plastic off your kids
Then I’ll move into your garage
Go-on lend us a quid and I’ll buy some more brandy
Yes I know the meaning of thrift
Are you driving somewhere?
Can I have a lift?
Shame I’ve got nothing to be thrifty with
Apart from other peoples brandy.
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5. |
This Land
01:26
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This Land Is…
This land’s not your land
This land’s not my land
So lend me fifty grand
And I’ll buy some woodland
Ill stick a trailer there
And live without a care
Until the council come and kick me off.
My neighbours hate me
They think I’m smelly
They think I don’t wash
Or have a telly
And every weekend is wild party
As I stay at home listen to radio 4 and drink tea
(Oh God how boring)
All I want is a peaceful life
Kettles and veg and a good sharp knife
A decent shovel and somewhere to shit
A nice warm trailer with a sofa to sit on
Don’t want to live in a house in a town
Don’t want idiots hanging around
Don’t want a fight
Don’t want a fright
All I want is a peaceful life
But this land’s not your land
This land’s not my land
So lend me fifty grand
And I’ll buy some woodland
Ill stick a trailer there
And live without a care
Until the council come and kick me off.
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6. |
The Hippy Song
04:36
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Hippy song
You ain’t no brother of mine brother
I grew up with two and I don’t need others
You won’t want to be in my family
When you hear what I’ve got to sing
You ain’t no brother of mine brother
You ain’t no brother of mine brother
Stop singing songs about my mother
You’re a yoghurt overload
And you look a bit like a toad
You ain’t no brother of mine brother
You ain’t no sister of mine sister
If you disappeared I wouldn’t miss ya
Oh I won’t drink your hippy tea
Even if it’s good for me
You ain’t no sister of mine sister
Holding hands in circles really makes me sick
I’d like to lamp you with your talking stick
You’d better make sure that you’re aligned
Or you might get a punch in your third eye
You ain’t no brother of mine brother
I hope your tipi leaks in the rain
Because you live in Wales and not an Indian plain
You’d better learn to pay that drum
Or I’m gonna stick it up your bum
You ain’t no brother of mine brother
You ain’t no brother of mine brother
Stop singing songs about my mother
Oh what’s she ever done to you?
Murders what I’m gonna do
If you don’t stop singing songs about my mother.
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7. |
What is going on?
02:37
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What is going on?
People starving in their millions
People spending all their billions
Plastic bags in their trillions
What is going on?
People shopping
Til they’re dropping
People eating
Til they’re popping
People dying for your shopping
What is going on?
People selling
People buying
People fighting
People dying
World bank profits terrifying
What is going on?
People bleeding in their fetters
Making someone a bit fatter
Always someone getting battered
What is going on?
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8. |
Kill all the Morons
01:37
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Moron Poem
Sod being fluffy
The solution in the stars
Says kill all the morons
That drive around in cars
Kill all the morons
Before they start to breed
Kill all the morons
The ones that watch TV
Go to the supermarket
Take a big gun
And extinguish all the morons
Each and everyone
Burn down their bovis homes
Mash their bovine brains
Sod being fluffy
And get into
Moron pain
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9. |
||||
Harry Stanley was a painter of houses and halls
Of bedrooms and bathrooms and nursery walls
One day after working he received a call
And went to the pub to meet his mate Paul
Harry’s wife had a table whose leg it was broke
But Harry had contacts and knew lots of folk
He’d taken the leg to be fixed by this bloke
He’d fetch it and stop in the pub for a soak
He arrived at the pub with this leg in a bag
And his wife’s constant nagging was becoming a drag
So he’d drink a few drinks and he’d smoke a few fags
Before taking the table leg back to the hag.
But the landlord had spent too much time in strong sun
His head it was woozy his eyesight was gone
He called the police and he wished he could run
Cos he thought that the leg in the bag was a gun
The police arrived quickly with weapons galore
Enough thought the landlord to start a small war
Two shots from behind Harry fell to the floor
That’ll teach Mr.Stanley not to mess with the law
When he got up to heaven God gave him a gun
And two angels to guard him til revenge it was won
The police were found dead all the beer it had gone
And the landlord had a table leg stuck up his bum
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10. |
Fags
03:59
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The Fag Song.(cough)
1.well you have another fag
And then you have another drink
And you smoke a little spliff
And you have a little think
And it's all twisted in your mind
And there's no escape to find
And you keep running into walls
And all the alleys turn out blind...
ch.They never taught you knots at school
So you can't tie a noose,
And you can't afford a shotgun
And bic razors just won't do it
And the oven is electric
And you haven't got a car
The trains are unreliable
The nearest cliff to far,
So just have another fag
Oh they're worse for you than scag
And you'll die horribly
A coughing cursing hag.
2.When the light of morning comes
You see the contents of your lungs
And while you're gagging
you realise that you've smoked tonnes
You must have smoked about a billion
And it costs you loads of pounds
And then there's the added guilt
Of all the trees that they chopped down.
And now you're lying in your hospital bed
Blagging fags off all your guests
With your bubbling lungs
And your yellow vest
Will you be right glad?
Will you feel it in your chest?
Your life was made of fags
As you struggle for your last breath.
ch.
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11. |
||||
Garden Shed not Bloodshed
If BAE systems made slug traps
Rather than weapons of war
Instead of collateral damage
There’d be carrots and cabbage galore
If Lockheed Martin were busy
Tending their wildflower lawn
There’d be no time left to make spy planes
Stealth fighters and nuclear bombs.
If everyone planted a fruit bush
On the land that was their birthright
They’d be so busy stuffing their faces with fruit
There’d be no time left over to fight
Instead of landmines
Could be planted grape vines
At least people would only get legless on wine
We could work something out
A solution would sprout
On gardeners question time.
If suicide bombers were armed with
A hoe and a rake and some seeds
Instead of slaughtering infidels
They could concentrate on the weeds
Alive and content at the end of the day
Scraping the mud from their shoes
If Hitler’d been busy manuring his leeks
Would he have killed six million Jews?
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12. |
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I want to give birth to a clanger because clangers are made of pink wool.
I want to give birth to a clanger
Because clangers are made of pink wool
They were knitted by Oliver’s auntie
And they don't shit and vomit or bawl
Their faces are streamlined and pointy
And they never cause trouble at all
Oh it wouldn't be such a big problem
To squeeze one from such a small hole.
Instead I gave birth to a baby
With a head like a giant football
And when he arrives he was screaming
But I screamed the loudest of all
Humans are full of design faults
The biggest of all is in mums
Cos for about sixteen weeks after
I couldn't sit down on my bum.
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13. |
I want my Brain Back
03:41
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Where’s my brain gone?
Used to write all those songs with it
And it wasn’t rock and roll that made it vanish.
It could be a pumpkin
Or maybe the big bad wolf blew it away
But it’s probably in a box of old toys in a garage.
I want my brain back all rusty and dusty and covered with bits
I want my brain back
I’m considering using it to write something witty
With lyrics to die for
And a tune you can dance to
About some amazing event that’s affecting the planet
It won’t make number one
It’ll be far too intellectual
It’ll rhyme, it’ll scan it’ll have lots of clever bits in it
I want my brain back all rusty and dusty and covered with bits
I want my brain back
I’m considering using it to write something witty.
I want my brain back before it’s too late
I want my brain back before it reaches its sell by date which is stamped on the bottom
I want my brain back
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14. |
Formica
03:50
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Formica
Look at me I’m very happy
Watching my square box T V
Eating my square box TV dinner
In my rabbit hutch house
On a Brookside street
I twitch my nets at the neighbours
They twitch their nets back at me
I wonder what the milkman could be doing
To the woman
At number 23.
I bought new white kitchen worktops
I’ve wanted them all of my life
My wife she managed to damage them
So I carved her up with a knife
You can blame violence on drugs or the telly
You can blame it on just what you like
I know it’s because formica
Is beautiful and shiny and white.
I buried my wife in the garden
My neighbours think that she left me
They don’t know I am a nutter
Capable of murder
In the first degree
I killed her cos I didn’t like her
I traded her in for formica
It doesn’t nag
It doesn’t refuse to shag
And it’s beautifully wipe clean and whiter.
I love it here in suburbia
Nobody here questions me
I go to church every Sunday
And I’ve got the cleanest car on the street
So I think I’ll lie low here in suburbia
In my rabbit hutch house hat I’ve bought
And hope nobody digs up the garden
Cos it’ll never stand up in the court
When I say…
I killed her cos I didn’t like her
I traded her in for formica
It doesn’t nag
It doesn’t refuse to shag
And it’s beautifully wipe clean and whiter.
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15. |
Duck Cow Tractor
02:17
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And now the babies gone to bed
He’s laid to rest his sleepy head
And I can sit about instead of changing dirty nappies
I’ve had a glass of wine
And I am feeing kind of silly
And I play my ukulele
Cos I haven’t got a willy
Today we played on the swings
And then with lots of plastic things
And oh the joy that childhood brings
Is mindless yet delightful.
I’ll be in my bed by nine
If I have another glass of wine
Cos motherhood is the new rock and roll
Yeah
Ooooooooooo
My communicational skills are regressing
Ooooooo
It’s depressing
Ooooooo
Duck cow tractor
Quack broom moooo
Two little dickie birds sitting on a wall
One name Peter one named Paul
Fly away Peter fly away Paul
Come back Peter come back Paul
Incy Wincey spider climbing up the spout
Down came the rain and washed poor Incy out
Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain
So Incy Wincey spider climbed up the spout again
Oooooo
Duck cow tractor
Quack broom mooo
Round and round the garden
Like a teddy bear
I only know four chords
It’s all I’ve had the time for
Oooooo
Actually I know five….
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Hattie Hatstar England, UK
After 20 years of poking fun at everyone and everything on the festival and club circuit, Hattie Hatstar is a finely tuned weapon, using wit to make occasionally serious points.
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