1. |
Forty and Fat
04:25
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Forty and Fat
I'd never heard of control underwear
Til I found myself forty and fat,
I thought you just bought the next size up
If you couldn't squeeze into that.
I don't care if my tits hit my nose
When I do the headstand yoga pose
And I don't care that I can't see my toes
Because I like beer and that's how it goes.
But the adverts told me
That I'd be an old maid,
That would never get lucky
And never get laid
And my teeth will decay, and my beauty will fade
And I won't get a job and I'll never get paid
So I bought some.
So now when you see me I'm looking quite svelte
And sassy and sexy and fit,
Don't go undressing me with your eyes
Underneath I look like a twit,
I'm wearing beige pants that come up to my armpits
They'd have any reasonable suitor in fits
And I'm turning bright red because I'm over-heating a bit.
The reason behind my story and the moral behind this tale
Don't squeeze yourself in a small spandex tube
And then consume 6 pints of ale
You can't stand you can't breathe
You can't think you can't cough
You can't laugh you can't dance
You can't drink you can't scoff
And if you find a man drag him home and cop off
You'll need sixteen mates around to shoehorn them off
And that will scare him.
So I'm not wearing control underwear
Now I find myself forty and fat
I think I'll just buy the next size up
And happily squeeze into that.
I'll celebrate that my tits hit my nose
When I do the headstand yoga pose
And I'll keep making sure that I can't see my toes
Because I like beer and that's how it goes.
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2. |
New Nuclear
03:07
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New Nuclear
In an overcrowded island
In the northern hemisphere,
Our great leaders have decided
That the way is nuclear,
As in all great democracies
There's been no debate about it,
It's a forgone conclusion and your rights are being flouted.
But how did we used to live without sixteen showers a day,
And badly made electrical goods that we use then chuck away?
How did we live without chocolate fondues or machines for making bread?
We must have done it somehow or else we'd all be dead.
But we don't have to clean it up
We're going to leave a mess
So future generations can deal with the stress
Of toxic waste sat in the ground
Cos we don't give a toss,
As long as our fridge is as big as an airship
And our telly's the size of a bus.
Why can't our power supply be localised?
A village with a wind turbine could be a source of pride,
Our roofs could be made of solar, we could harvest the incoming tide,
But fuck it, lets go with nuclear and trash the countryside
Because we don't have to clean it up
We're going to leave a mess
So future generations can deal with the stress
Of toxic waste sat in the ground
Cos we don't give a toss,
As long as our fridge is as big as an airship
And our telly's the size of a bus.
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3. |
Don't Google That Lump
04:11
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Google
Don't google that growth,
Don't google that bump,
Don't google that pustulant boil,
That wheeze, or that sneeze or that lump.
Cos you will find
That you're going to die
Painfully and horribly
Without the time to ask why.
In about three days
Your legs will drop off
Your heart will fail, your head will explode
So don't google that cough.
Your hair will fall out
Your teeth will fall in
Your nose will drop off
And be chucked in a bin.
Your spleen will implode
Your lungs will explode,
You'll become a quadruple amputee
Or someone who's experienced a lobotomy.
You will never walk again
A thousand tiny spiders will hatch from your brain,
You will go insane
So don't google that pain.
So now you've got cancer
And HPV
Rheumatoid arthritis, osteoporosis, insomnia and COPD
You're developing altzheimers and you're severely depressed,
Hyper-tense and menopausal
Jesus you're a mess.
You've got fifteen separate STD's, swine flu and kidney disease
E bola’s gonna see you off
So don't google that cough.
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4. |
Shirking Nine to Five
04:02
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Nine to Five (Hattie Hatstar rewrite)
Don't get up until a quarter past seven
Breakfast at lunchtime
Lunch around seven
yawn stretch
fail to come to life.
Drink black coffee, chain smoke joints,
Go out clubbing and drink six pints
Well I've got to go home
Job finder's on at five.
Shirking nine to five
What a way to fake a living
Barely getting by
Squatting, signing on and stealing,
They've found me a job even though I acted thick,
Do you think my doctor
Could get me on the sick?
I'm quite good at sitting around thinking
I am brilliant at irresponsible drinking,
I'm good at reading, I'm good at cooking the tea.
I can spend all day in a onesie,
Pontificating and drinking coffee,
But I'm really really really really shit at making money.
Shirking nine to five
What a way to fake a living
Barely getting by
Squatting, signing on and stealing,
They've found me a job even though I acted thick,
Do you think my doctor
Could get me on the sick?
Shirking nine to five
Well I never see the sunshine
Apart from on the days
When I sign on at lunchtime,
You might call me bad, and lazy and insane,
But I'm busy expanding the right side of my brain.
I don't get up until a quarter past seven
Breakfast at lunchtime
Lunch around seven
yawn stretch
fail to come to life.
Drink black coffee, chain smoke joints,
Go out clubbing and drink six pints
Well I've got to go home
Job finder's on at five.
nb. 'Job finder' were the local job pages from ceefax that used to come on TV at 5 in the morning in the early 90's
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5. |
Christmas Single
03:40
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Christmas SingkleChristmas Single
If I wrote a Christmas single
I could sit forever more
With my feet up
While the snow fell
Around my massive mansion door.
I wouldn't have to fix things,
I would never need a spanner
I could learn to dance in sparkly pants and be just like Rhianna.
All I need is business sense,
A massive deal with sony
Simon Cowell as my best friend
And teeth just like a pony.
If I wrote a Christmas single
I would be al-right forever
I wouldn't have to look for work
Or bother being clever,
I could be there in the lime light
Where vast fortunes can be made,
On every Christmas play-list
With Cliff Richard, Wham and Slade.
All I need is a hairstylist,
Someone to choose my clothes,
Someone to write my songs for me,
Some work done on my nose,
A hyperactive publicist to make my life look fun,
A life devoid of cake and beer so I don't weigh ten tonnes.
But it sounds awful,
It sounds drastic,
It sounds like a pile of shit
To have a whole life made of plastic
Just to get a Christmas hit
So I'll stay here on the breadline
Being skint as skint can be
You could make me slightly richer if you all bought my CD.
You could buy it for your Grandma,
You could buy it for your Mum,
Or download it from the internet
Because downloading is fun,
Playing Hattie Hatstar songs until your brain goes numb,
And I can spend the proceeds
On drugs and booze and buns.
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6. |
Stop It
03:02
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Stop it
Stop buying things
Things are crap
You don't need things
Things cost money.
Even if a thing is 99p
100 things aren't cheap.
Could stay at home and just eat rice,
Look at the sky
The sky looks nice,
Deep breathe
Climb a tree
Shag
Snog
Snooze
Pee.
Lie in the grass
Swim in the sea
Sit on your arse
With a flask full of tea
All those things are fun
And they are free.
I can walk
Walking is free
Exercise without a gym fee
I can talk cos talking is free
And I can think because thought is free
I can go to the park
The park is free
Sit in the dark
The dark is free
I can eat food I find for free
I can dance at a free party.
I can love
Because love is free
Though that is bullshit
Obviously
Love comes at the highest price
But who cares
Because it's love
And it is nice
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7. |
Car Boot Sale
04:37
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If you're sick of boring Sunday's
You can go and have a fun day
By frequenting the car boot sale.
If you think that God is boring
And you're really into hoarding
Then just go to the car boot sale.
You can buy a cheap guitar
Or a hot wheels car
Or a load of handy jars
Or some bananas.
The choices that you make depend what gender and what age you are
Will you buy the stack of readers wives,
Or the old foot spa?
All you've ever wanted from the back of someone's car
And you can buy it at the car boot sale.
You can buy some cheap meat
Off the cheap meat man
He's got a microphone
And he's from Birmingham.
You can buya side of bacon as a present for your nan
And still have enough money left to buy a frying pan,
All you've ever wanted from the back of someone's van
And you can buy it at the car boot sale.
If you're unhappy, or feel ignored,
If you suffer from depression
Or you're just quite bored,
You can snaffle a quick burger and then go out and maraud,
Murdering the masses with your cheapo, repro sword,
All you've ever wanted, from someone elses hoard,
And you can buy it at the car boot sale.
If you're a musician
That is quite poor
You could shop at the booty
For instruments galore,
Like this fine accordion
Made in 1964
So I can still play music, though I can't stand up no more,
And when I'm in my nineties
I can still go out on tour
And I bought it at the car boot sale.
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8. |
Home on the Range
01:09
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Oh give me a home
Where the washing up's done
Where the carpets get clean by themselves.
Where all that is heard
Is the occasional word
From those magical, cleaning up elves.
Home, home on the range,
Where I don't have to cook my own tea.
They pick up my knickers
And wash my old socks
Oh those elves really do it for me.
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9. |
Fit For Armageddon
04:06
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So now I have taken up running
To beat my middle age spread,
And I'm in training for Armageddon
Cos the fastest looters always get fed,
So although you are walking faster than me
And I am turning bright red
In the end
I will be running and you will be dead.
What will Armageddon be,
Will Jesus Christ come down to judge me
Or will zombies eat my brains for tea
Will the world flood, or a mixture of the three?
So although you are walking faster than me
And I am turning bright red
In the end
I will be running and you will be dead.
So now I have taken up skiing
To beat the avalanche of doom
Coming my way
And it's a very impractical habit
For an English person on a very low wage.
My movements aren't fluid or graceful,
And my arms flap about in the air
But as long as I can beat the grim reaper
Why should I care?
What will Armageddon be,
Will Jesus Christ come down to judge me
Or will zombies eat my brains for tea
Will the world flood, or a mixture of the three?
My movements aren't fluid or graceful,
And my arms flap about in the air
But as long as I can beat the grim reaper
Why should I care?
So now I have taken up swimming
And I'll be able to float like the ark,
And like most middle aged women in a costume
I look lumpy and droopy and better in the dark,
But come the final judgement
With my swimming hat firm on my head,
I will be swimming
And you, you will be dead.
What will Armageddon be,
Will Jesus Christ come down to judge me
Or will zombies eat my brains for tea
Will the world flood, or a mixture of the three?
But come the final judgement
With my swimming hat firm on my head,
I will be swimming
And you, you will be dead.
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10. |
Idioms
04:16
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In the blink of an eye
Your life will pass you by,
It'll fit on the head of a pin,
Can you cram it all in?
Because you don't want to get to the dock
To find that your ship has sailed,
In the shake of a tail
The days slip by.
So get your ducks in a row,
Get your show on the road,
Hit the ground at a run
Find your moment
In the sun,
Live large, live life like a king,
It's sink or swim,
Give it your best shot,
One life is all you've got.
Because
In the blink of an eye
Your life will pass you by,
It'll fit on the head of a pin,
Can you cram it all in?
Because you don't want to get to the dock
To find that your ship has sailed,
In the shake of a tail
The days slip by.
When you croak
When you drop off the twig,
Pop your clogs, kick the bucket, bite the dust,
When you've breathed your last
And you're looking at the other side of the grass,
When you've shuffled off this mortal coil,
Sold the farm and called it a day,
I hope you kicked life’s butt
From the cradle to the grave
Because
In the blink of an eye
Your life will pass you by,
It'll fit on the head of a pin,
Can you cram it all in?
Because you don't want to get to the dock
To find that your ship has sailed,
In the shake of a tail
The days slip by.
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Hattie Hatstar England, UK
After 20 years of poking fun at everyone and everything on the festival and club circuit, Hattie Hatstar is a finely tuned weapon, using wit to make occasionally serious points.
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