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Old Hat

by Hattie Hatstar

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1.
CCTV 04:29
Out for a picnic with your lovely family Get a bit of shopping, cross a road and drink some tea Sitting in a pub or waiting for a public loo Somebody’s watching you. Stopping at the lights or going round a roundabout Driving down the road or parking up and getting out Whizzing down a motorway or sitting in a queue Somebody’s watching you Yes someone is watching you No you’re not being paranoid There’s CCTV everywhere It’s something that you can’t avoid Filming every sneeze and every scratch and every yawn And someone poor low paid bastard has to sit and watch it all. Sitting on a bench or walking doggy down the street Every stranger passing you or matey that you meet Every step you take and every boring thing you do Somebody’s watching you. Every shop you enter, every cash point you frequent Every bus and every train and everywhere you went In the dead of night or sunny Sunday afternoon Somebody’s watching you Yes someone is watching you No you’re not being paranoid There’s CCTV everywhere It’s something that you can’t avoid Like fishes in a fishtank, or monkeys at the zoo Somebody’s watching you. Yes someone is watching you No you’re not being paranoid There’s CCTV everywhere It’s something that you can’t avoid Just in case a hoody comes to get you with a knife At least if you get stabbed to death someone will watch you die.
2.
Come fall in love with me In my abject poverty We can live on banannas and beer And if I s**k you o*f Each time the sun comes up Can I convince you to stay for a year? You can sleep in my truck We can endlessly f**k As long as you're not above 5"4 If you are I've an axe I can chop off your legs To make sure that you fit through the door. We can travel the world On the diesal we steal And after stretch of four months We'll start fighting like dogs And instead of big snogs We can start off the day with a punch. So fall in love with me In my abject povert We can live on banannas and beer And prove to ourselves We're better left on the shelf Cos it'll all end in heartache and tears.
3.
Mexican Hat 04:23
Some bastard just spilt my free beer There’s a nutter talking in my ear The power’s gone down and the lights have gone out The guitar’s out of tune and the drummer can’t count. It’s all running about 3 hours late The next band they are getting irate The soundman is drunk on the job And his backup has smoked too much pot. A drunk fan is making requests Her eyes sliding about on her head I can’t understand what she said And her dog it just pissed on my legs A munter has come through the door Seems to be incoherent with rage Ends up falling face down on the floor Now there’s not enough room on the stage. We have finished 4 songs We are having a chat About what song is next Is it this or it that Out of place, off her face, out of tune, out of time There is some bloody woman singing ‘Summertime’ Do you think we’re doing nothing? Do we make it look like fun? If you don’t piss off in a minute We’re going to kick you up the bum. We’re all trying to keep in rhythm We’re all trying to stay in time If you’d get off the stage and listen That would really suit us fine. Live performance it is so exciting By the end everybody was fighting Someone panicked and called the police And we got done for riot inciting.
4.
Supermarket 04:08
5.
One fine spring evening on the first day of April In a financial meltdown 2009 A newspaper vendor who was on his way home after work Was despatched to heaven before his time. Some fat cats were sorting the global economy At the G20 summit in London that day And thousands of people were out n the city streets Because democracy’s all about having your say. In a true police force blunder A pig with no number Was captured on camera a baton in hand, And the bloke who sold papers With his hands in his pockets And his back to the police line was shoved to the ground. And 10 minutes later he’d died of a heart attack Or so the pathologist hurriedly said But why should they kettle in a man on his way home from work And ten minutes later Why should he be dead? If no one had passed on the film to the papers The police would have lied their way out of this mess, And what if the one that they’d killed was an anarchist Would that have been fine? Would that crime matter less? If there is a camera for each 14 people Why wasn’t this captured on CCTV? As we live in a surveillance society I think it’s more lies from the IPCC. One fine spring evening on the first day of April In a financial meltdown 2009 A newspaper vendor was on his way home after work When he found himself on the wrong side of police lines
6.
B.N.P. 07:18
Founded by a neo-nazi It used to be called the National Front Now it has the facade of an electable party When really they’re just a bunch of criminals and thugs. Hitler was elected But that doesn’t make him right That these guys are electable Should give us all a fright What’s the point in living if we can’t learn from history And let fascists surf to power On a big wave of apathy Indigenous white Briton is a mythical creature Like a nice Tory Or a unicorn Or a dragon in a cave Or a normal teacher Or a perpetual motion generator Providing free electricity From magnetic enrgy I seen them on the internet For £99.50 And they’re about as likely to work As B.N.P. policy On immigration Or industry Or education. How do you define a native Briton? Is it a Roman or a Viking A Saxon or a Frenchman? Just how far back do you want to take immigration? You can’t repatriate a mongrel nation. Are they going to wrap us up in parcel tape And send us back in time? Instead of a postcode We’ll all have a bloodline 60 million parcels marked return to sender 60 million parcels sent back 2000 millenia Arriving at the feet of the first people Who walked out of Africa. One day hopefully The B.N.P. will be an ethnic minority in it’s own country And we as a public Will rise above our stupidity And they won’t get re-elected as M.E.P.s Because when we bleed we all bleed red, We’re pink inside Our tears are wet And when we get hurt people who love us get upset, Oh when we bled we all bleed red We’re pink inside Our tears are wet And when we get hurt People who love us get upset And when we die we’re dead That’s a fact It’s as simple as that.
7.
Up Your Arse 02:08
8.
Oh my lover is shrinking His teeth are falling out his head And his hairline is receding Though that’s better left unsaid. Slouching in his smeggy long-johns Spilling horlicks in the bed But you’d be fools to believe That the passion is dead . Though we only get to do it once a month If we manage not to fall asleep It’s more enjoyable Than counting sheep. First the daily’s turn into the weeklies Then the weeklies turn into the monthlies Then the monthlies only happen If we’re not too tired and grumpy. Oh but I love my man And I couldn’t ask for more I hope we get to do it annually By the age of 94. Though we’ll only get to do it Once a year Our love is gonna keep out the chill As death draws near.
9.
10.
I’ve stopped drinking endless coffees And I’ve started staying in I’ve quit smoking ciggies And I’ve given up the gin I’ve dropped the string of boyfriends Whose hearts I could never win Cos lord Jesus Christ has sent me a little baby for my sins. I’ve seen the light from heaven and now Jesus is my crutch. I understand the Bible it’s no longer double Dutch, I believe in miracles since I’ve felt his heavenly touch It really is a miracle one so small could shit so much. I no longer need to live in sin to keep awake at night. I don’t wear frilly knickers, I don’t gamble I don’t fight So grateful to be rescued from my immortal plight Cos I know that Jesus loves me though I smell of baby shite. I’d like to thank Lord Jesus Christ for sweet sleep deprivation, The row of stitches in my arse, Sore nipples and dehydration I’ve heard it said that good motherhood is the making of the nation Well I better put my baby in a box and leave him at the station.
11.
Sailing By 04:15
12.
Frog is... 02:26

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HATTTIE HATSTAR WROTE ALL THIS STUFF – GENIUS OR WHAT?!?!

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released October 10, 2010

Hattie Hatstar – accordion, ukulele, lyrics, music and arrangements
Jules Bushell – double bass, additional ukulele plinking, recording and mixing

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Hattie Hatstar England, UK

After 20 years of poking fun at everyone and everything on the festival and club circuit, Hattie Hatstar is a finely tuned weapon, using wit to make occasionally serious points.

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