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National Treasure

by Hattie Hatstar

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1.
Sweat Shop 02:47
Sweat Shop. Now listen carefully girls and boys If you don't put away your toys Or if you trash your brand-new shoes Or if you're making too much noise Your parents might just have enough And reach the point on which they snap Then it's the Nike factory for you. It's the Nike factory for you It's the Nike factory for you. You can work for fifteen hours a day Making shoes for the world on a very low pay So some retailer in the west Can put on pounds inside his vest I think they call that slavery I think they call that slavery It’s the Nike factory for you. If you're a greedy screaming brat And you keep hassling that cat Or if you leave your coat behind Or you refuse to wear that hat Your parents might just have enough And reach the point on which they snap Then watch it or it's Persian rugs for you. Watch it or it's Persian rugs for you Watch it or it's Persian rugs for you Ten children locked in one small room To loose their fingers on the loom So some fat salesman in the west Can put on pounds inside his vest I think they call that slavery I think they call that slavery Watch it or it's Persian rugs for you. If you refuse to go to bed Or clout your best mate round the head If you don't share those sweeties out Or if that hamster don't get fed Your parents might just have enough And reach the point on which they snap Then watch it or it's cocoa beans for you. Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you A major African industry More profitable than ivory Where you can work all day for free For chocolate that you'll never see So some fat kiddie in the west Can put on pounds inside his vest And his parents can eat chocolate bars Whilst driving around in fancy cars I think they call that slavery I think they call that slavery Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you Watch it or it's cocoa beans for you.
2.
Evil Twin 02:23
Evil Twin When I woke up this morning Everything was broken My head was hurt All I could taste was gin. My friends they just looked at me And not a word was spoken But it was not me It was my evil twin. My evil twin she's big and bad And booze makes her go mad She falls around and terrorizes boys They don't want to be her lover And they all run for cover Cos she's very drunk And makes an awful noise. My evil twin she just arrives She don't need to be invited She'll break the doors if you don't let her in. She's obnoxious when she drinks She'll probably throw up in your sink And then she'll swear she can't remember anything. My evil twin she's big and bad And booze makes her go mad She'll nick everything that isn't bolted down Her pockets are all bulging And yet she's still indulging Grab her quick and lock her in the pound. Well my life is such a shame Cos I always get the blame For all the evil sins my twin commits You think I've dropped a clanger But it was my doppelganger And I'm the one who ends up getting hit. My evil twin she's large as life She's trouble and she's strife She's about as base as anyone could ever be She's like a rabid dog And I'll never get a snog As long as all the world's convinced that she is me.
3.
Mankind 02:24
Mankind Ducks don’t need to pay any moorings And rats don’t need to pay rent. Bats they hold no truck with Tescos And bunnies don’t grovel in lent. Turtles don’t need to set their alarm clocks Birds don’t have to use planes Penguins they don’t bother with suntans And we think mankind’s got the brains. Chipmunks don’t have to visit the dentist And cows don’t have to wear shoes Spiders don’t have to buy expensive climbing tat Moles don’t tune into the news Hedgehogs don’t drive around in red sports cars Glow-worms aren’t plugged into the mains Tigers they don’t bother with blenders And we think mankind’s got the brains.
4.
Blagging 03:41
Blagging I’m just a girl who can’t say no If you’re giving it away I’ll give it a go I can eat anything you know And can I have a swig of brandy Give us a go on your special brew You look quite tasty can I have a go on you? I’ll be the first in your dinner queue And can I have a swig of brandy? Can I skin up with your blim? Is that your baccy in that tin? Have you got a spare safety pin And can I have a swig of brandy? You’d better keep your eye on me Or I’ll be in your bed and fast asleep And then I’ll pocket all your herbal tea And finish off your brandy. I’ll eat the contents of your fridge I’ll tat the plastic off your kids Then I’ll move into your garage Go-on lend us a quid and I’ll buy some more brandy Yes I know the meaning of thrift Are you driving somewhere? Can I have a lift? Shame I’ve got nothing to be thrifty with Apart from other peoples brandy.
5.
This Land 01:26
This Land Is… This land’s not your land This land’s not my land So lend me fifty grand And I’ll buy some woodland Ill stick a trailer there And live without a care Until the council come and kick me off. My neighbours hate me They think I’m smelly They think I don’t wash Or have a telly And every weekend is wild party As I stay at home listen to radio 4 and drink tea (Oh God how boring) All I want is a peaceful life Kettles and veg and a good sharp knife A decent shovel and somewhere to shit A nice warm trailer with a sofa to sit on Don’t want to live in a house in a town Don’t want idiots hanging around Don’t want a fight Don’t want a fright All I want is a peaceful life But this land’s not your land This land’s not my land So lend me fifty grand And I’ll buy some woodland Ill stick a trailer there And live without a care Until the council come and kick me off.
6.
Hippy song You ain’t no brother of mine brother I grew up with two and I don’t need others You won’t want to be in my family When you hear what I’ve got to sing You ain’t no brother of mine brother You ain’t no brother of mine brother Stop singing songs about my mother You’re a yoghurt overload And you look a bit like a toad You ain’t no brother of mine brother You ain’t no sister of mine sister If you disappeared I wouldn’t miss ya Oh I won’t drink your hippy tea Even if it’s good for me You ain’t no sister of mine sister Holding hands in circles really makes me sick I’d like to lamp you with your talking stick You’d better make sure that you’re aligned Or you might get a punch in your third eye You ain’t no brother of mine brother I hope your tipi leaks in the rain Because you live in Wales and not an Indian plain You’d better learn to pay that drum Or I’m gonna stick it up your bum You ain’t no brother of mine brother You ain’t no brother of mine brother Stop singing songs about my mother Oh what’s she ever done to you? Murders what I’m gonna do If you don’t stop singing songs about my mother.
7.
What is going on? People starving in their millions People spending all their billions Plastic bags in their trillions What is going on? People shopping Til they’re dropping People eating Til they’re popping People dying for your shopping What is going on? People selling People buying People fighting People dying World bank profits terrifying What is going on? People bleeding in their fetters Making someone a bit fatter Always someone getting battered What is going on?
8.
Moron Poem Sod being fluffy The solution in the stars Says kill all the morons That drive around in cars Kill all the morons Before they start to breed Kill all the morons The ones that watch TV Go to the supermarket Take a big gun And extinguish all the morons Each and everyone Burn down their bovis homes Mash their bovine brains Sod being fluffy And get into Moron pain
9.
Harry Stanley was a painter of houses and halls Of bedrooms and bathrooms and nursery walls One day after working he received a call And went to the pub to meet his mate Paul Harry’s wife had a table whose leg it was broke But Harry had contacts and knew lots of folk He’d taken the leg to be fixed by this bloke He’d fetch it and stop in the pub for a soak He arrived at the pub with this leg in a bag And his wife’s constant nagging was becoming a drag So he’d drink a few drinks and he’d smoke a few fags Before taking the table leg back to the hag. But the landlord had spent too much time in strong sun His head it was woozy his eyesight was gone He called the police and he wished he could run Cos he thought that the leg in the bag was a gun The police arrived quickly with weapons galore Enough thought the landlord to start a small war Two shots from behind Harry fell to the floor That’ll teach Mr.Stanley not to mess with the law When he got up to heaven God gave him a gun And two angels to guard him til revenge it was won The police were found dead all the beer it had gone And the landlord had a table leg stuck up his bum
10.
Fags 03:59
The Fag Song.(cough) 1.well you have another fag And then you have another drink And you smoke a little spliff And you have a little think And it's all twisted in your mind And there's no escape to find And you keep running into walls And all the alleys turn out blind... ch.They never taught you knots at school So you can't tie a noose, And you can't afford a shotgun And bic razors just won't do it And the oven is electric And you haven't got a car The trains are unreliable The nearest cliff to far, So just have another fag Oh they're worse for you than scag And you'll die horribly A coughing cursing hag. 2.When the light of morning comes You see the contents of your lungs And while you're gagging you realise that you've smoked tonnes You must have smoked about a billion And it costs you loads of pounds And then there's the added guilt Of all the trees that they chopped down. And now you're lying in your hospital bed Blagging fags off all your guests With your bubbling lungs And your yellow vest Will you be right glad? Will you feel it in your chest? Your life was made of fags As you struggle for your last breath. ch.
11.
Garden Shed not Bloodshed If BAE systems made slug traps Rather than weapons of war Instead of collateral damage There’d be carrots and cabbage galore If Lockheed Martin were busy Tending their wildflower lawn There’d be no time left to make spy planes Stealth fighters and nuclear bombs. If everyone planted a fruit bush On the land that was their birthright They’d be so busy stuffing their faces with fruit There’d be no time left over to fight Instead of landmines Could be planted grape vines At least people would only get legless on wine We could work something out A solution would sprout On gardeners question time. If suicide bombers were armed with A hoe and a rake and some seeds Instead of slaughtering infidels They could concentrate on the weeds Alive and content at the end of the day Scraping the mud from their shoes If Hitler’d been busy manuring his leeks Would he have killed six million Jews?
12.
I want to give birth to a clanger because clangers are made of pink wool. I want to give birth to a clanger Because clangers are made of pink wool They were knitted by Oliver’s auntie And they don't shit and vomit or bawl Their faces are streamlined and pointy And they never cause trouble at all Oh it wouldn't be such a big problem To squeeze one from such a small hole. Instead I gave birth to a baby With a head like a giant football And when he arrives he was screaming But I screamed the loudest of all Humans are full of design faults The biggest of all is in mums Cos for about sixteen weeks after I couldn't sit down on my bum.
13.
Where’s my brain gone? Used to write all those songs with it And it wasn’t rock and roll that made it vanish. It could be a pumpkin Or maybe the big bad wolf blew it away But it’s probably in a box of old toys in a garage. I want my brain back all rusty and dusty and covered with bits I want my brain back I’m considering using it to write something witty With lyrics to die for And a tune you can dance to About some amazing event that’s affecting the planet It won’t make number one It’ll be far too intellectual It’ll rhyme, it’ll scan it’ll have lots of clever bits in it I want my brain back all rusty and dusty and covered with bits I want my brain back I’m considering using it to write something witty. I want my brain back before it’s too late I want my brain back before it reaches its sell by date which is stamped on the bottom I want my brain back
14.
Formica 03:50
Formica Look at me I’m very happy Watching my square box T V Eating my square box TV dinner In my rabbit hutch house On a Brookside street I twitch my nets at the neighbours They twitch their nets back at me I wonder what the milkman could be doing To the woman At number 23. I bought new white kitchen worktops I’ve wanted them all of my life My wife she managed to damage them So I carved her up with a knife You can blame violence on drugs or the telly You can blame it on just what you like I know it’s because formica Is beautiful and shiny and white. I buried my wife in the garden My neighbours think that she left me They don’t know I am a nutter Capable of murder In the first degree I killed her cos I didn’t like her I traded her in for formica It doesn’t nag It doesn’t refuse to shag And it’s beautifully wipe clean and whiter. I love it here in suburbia Nobody here questions me I go to church every Sunday And I’ve got the cleanest car on the street So I think I’ll lie low here in suburbia In my rabbit hutch house hat I’ve bought And hope nobody digs up the garden Cos it’ll never stand up in the court When I say… I killed her cos I didn’t like her I traded her in for formica It doesn’t nag It doesn’t refuse to shag And it’s beautifully wipe clean and whiter.
15.
And now the babies gone to bed He’s laid to rest his sleepy head And I can sit about instead of changing dirty nappies I’ve had a glass of wine And I am feeing kind of silly And I play my ukulele Cos I haven’t got a willy Today we played on the swings And then with lots of plastic things And oh the joy that childhood brings Is mindless yet delightful. I’ll be in my bed by nine If I have another glass of wine Cos motherhood is the new rock and roll Yeah Ooooooooooo My communicational skills are regressing Ooooooo It’s depressing Ooooooo Duck cow tractor Quack broom moooo Two little dickie birds sitting on a wall One name Peter one named Paul Fly away Peter fly away Paul Come back Peter come back Paul Incy Wincey spider climbing up the spout Down came the rain and washed poor Incy out Out came the sunshine and dried up all the rain So Incy Wincey spider climbed up the spout again Oooooo Duck cow tractor Quack broom mooo Round and round the garden Like a teddy bear I only know four chords It’s all I’ve had the time for Oooooo Actually I know five….

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Recorded in 2011 with Jules Bushell and Stephane Spitz

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released June 6, 2008

All songs written and arranged by Hattie Hatstar, featuring Hattie Hatstar on accordion, ukulele and vocals. Jules Bushell on double bass and Stephane Spitz on saxophone and percussion. Recorded and mixed by Jules Bushell.

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Hattie Hatstar England, UK

After 20 years of poking fun at everyone and everything on the festival and club circuit, Hattie Hatstar is a finely tuned weapon, using wit to make occasionally serious points.

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